If you are following the build up to the Tokyo (2021) Olympics and wondering if they are going to be cancelled or go ahead in five weeks and you are losing some sleep every night, over this question, here are some thoughts about making them more doable.
Given the pandemic-related uncertainty, lack of popular personalities and the decline in traditional television viewership in recent years, Brown said there is potential for the Tokyo Games to be “NBC’s lowest-rated Summer Olympics.” As for which events might generate the most interest in Tokyo, the usual Summer Games favorites of gymnastics and swimming seem likely to lead the way. Seventy percent of U.S. adults said they would be either “very” or “somewhat” interested in watching gymnastics, while 62 percent expressed interest in watching swimming at the Olympics.
Diving (54 percent), beach volleyball (54 percent), track and field (52 percent), basketball (52 percent) and indoor volleyball (51 percent) were the only other sports that appealed to more than half of respondents. Brown noted a medal run by the U.S. women’s national soccer team would also be a boon for NBC.
Among the five new sports for Tokyo, baseball/softball (48 percent) and surfing (47 percent) generated the most interest among survey respondents, followed by karate (45 percent) skateboarding (43 percent) and sport climbing (34 percent).
Wait, our sport, track and field has only a fifty two percent interest level by the American public? Actually better than I thought. But we also know that in any year other than an Olympic year this would be even lower. The fact that we are on a par with basketball to me is interesting, but of course the summer is not basketball season.
Anyway I've looked at and decided to put the Olympic sports into four categories and explain why. This should help with the elimination process. Those categories are:
1. Essential sport
2. Mildly essential sport
3. Ridiculous sport
4. No Effen Way sport
I'm not saying categories 3 and 4 are not sports but please just not in the Olympics.
ESSENTIAL SPORTS
1. Track and Field: That means Athletics in the rest of the world. Hey, it's gotta be there. Track invented the Olympics when that dude ran from the Plains of Abraham to Spartacus and dropped dead. What was his name? Hercules, yeah. My only request is that mixed relays competition be dropped.
2. Basketball: To reduce the field, I suggest that only the U.S. and a combined Balkans team get guaranteed entry. The UN can provide peace keepers to keep the Balkans athletes from killing each other. Spain, Italy, Australia, and the Greeks are in the play in games. That's it. Senegal and France and England do not belong there.
3. Beach Volleyball: Okay, I'm compromising on this one. Any country that wants to field a team, even if they are landlocked and don't have a beach can put in a team. Skimpy uniforms are still required, and the women's teams must all be of legal age.
4. Boxing: How can boxing not be in the Olympics? If ever there was a sport to define human nature, this is it. And how can a sport that brought us Muhammed Ali not be included?
5. Weight Lifting: Pure sport totally Olympic ever since that ancient Greek cat Milo started carrying that calf everyday until it was a cow. His was a weight room on the hoof, none of that twenty first century gym membership crap. Same for tempo running, whatever that is.
6. Football: I think this is that one where they wear shorts and can't touch the basketball with their hands and there's a guy on each end that doesn't have the same uniform color as his teammates so you know he won't help you when you're in his end of the field. We have those little kids here who play it, but we call it soccer and we recruit our cross country teams from their rejects. For that reason alone it is essential.
7. Diving This is cool and every once in awhile I can relate like when we used to jump out of trees into a lake and when the fat kid belly flopped we thought it was great. I don't know why they don't give extra points for cannon balls. Think I'll try to infiltrate their federation and work on that.
8. Shooting GUNS!!!!! what more can I say? This sport is becoming a way of life in most countries . If this sport were taken out of the Olympics, the NRA would shut the Olympics down. And we don't need those air rifles just fully automatics. Might also want to include a quick draw sudden death elimination event.
9. Modern Pentathlon Hey it's been around for a long time. It's something for a jack of all trades, master of none. Most of these guys are not very good at anything but not bad at everything. Sort of an equal opportunity sport. Let's hear it for the ambidextrous.
10. Swimming Okay, I'll put this in grudgingly, as Joe Brown says it's one of the two most popular sports. But I have my limits. There will be only one stroke. Freestyle. Most people don't realize in freestyle you can swim any stroke you choose. It's just that the crawl is a bit faster than the butterfly. In track do you see us running backwards or sideways or waving our arms like we're a toy soldier in The Nutcracker? Get outta here. Swimming figured out this marketing ploy to get more screen time by having freestyle, back, butterfly, and breast strokes. Can you imagine a track mixed relay allowing the breast stroke during the family hour?
11. 'Rassling Yessirree, this will draw the viewers. It will bring Olympic culture to the South. If they could only revive Jake the Snake and Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, throw in Hulk Hogan, and the Undertaker in case everyone dies of Covid. None of that Greco Roman bull crap where you can't grab a guy below the waist. And none of that freestyle either where you can win on points. Knock 'em down and set on 'em or hit 'em with a folding chair. What are you readin' that rule book for, Bubba?
12. Cycling (Road and Track) I'll give these two sports a pass since we all learn to ride a bike and can relate. And they have some great crashes. The only event I would suggest adding to it would be a rush hour race on the L.A. Freeway.
13. Triathlon Another relatively new sport, but essential. You may someday need all three disciplines to get to work, especially if you live in a coastal area with the polar ice caps melting.
Those are my Essential Sports. Now to step into controversy justifying other sports to be only mildly essential.
MILDLY ESSENTIAL SPORTS
1. Gymnastics I know I'm going to take a lot of flack on this one. This is one of the two most watched sports in the Games along with swimming. My reasoning is the American public chose to look the other way with all the abuse to small children in this sport. Also apart from a bit of playground equipment, this is an invented sport. There is nothing natural about it. Where other than in a gymnastics gym do you see a balance beam, an uneven parallel bar, a tumbling mat, a horse (non equestrian), a high bar, or rings hanging from the ceiling. It is totally unnatural. Still if there is tv advertising money to be made, I may have to look the other way. Now hand me the money in a plain brown envelope.
2. Archery/Rhythmic Gymnastics I will give these two sports a mildly essential rating only if they are 'combined' . This may require a bit of rewrite in the rules. But I see archers shooting those damn balls out of the hands of the rhythmic gymnasts. Extra points if the ball is in the air. Most points for when the ball is in the air but very close to the gymnast. Point deductions if the gymnast is wounded. I guarantee the viewership will go through the roof and we might move this one up to Essential. Where's my money, where's my money?
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3. Sport Climbing/Fencing/Shooting Yes, this one takes a lot of strength, skill and guts and it meets the requirements of the Olympics motto of "higher, farther, faster". Sort of the higher you climb the farther you fall, the faster you hit the deck. I would move it up to essential if it were combined with Shooting and Fencing. Think of all the breaking and entering felons who could qualify for early release to go into training camps to prepare for this sport. It would be self financing with all the loot stolen and 'fenced' to members of the IOC. The U.S. would be a world leader in something we could all be proud of. And the athletes would have such a good trade when they retired from the sport. Still young, still able. Good if you can multi task in this world.
4. Canoe/Kayak Flat Water and Canoe/Kayak Slalom Can you believe they want to call these two different sports? Same equipment, in the same medium.... water. Duhh! Just so there can be two federations and more freaking officials. For goddsakes learn to diversify your skills. Still this is a sport that without indigenous culture would not exist. Unfortunately it has been culturally appropriated and for that reason alone it should be in the Olympics so that we can stand on our platforms and say how culturally sensitive we are to recognize the people who were here when we stole their land in the name of a Western religion that evolved in the Middle East Just another example of cultural appropriation.
5. BMX Racing/Mountain Biking Here again we can economize by combining these two and dropping BMX Freestyle. There are a number of little BMX'ers who cut through my back yard going to practice who I wouldn't mind seeing driving their bikes off a cliff or hitting a tree up in the mountains. The mountain biker's, you're okay, it's those little smart ass BMX'ers I can't stand. Just sayin'.
6. Rugby Seven's Okay, for you neophytes this is not 15 a side smash mouth rugby as played by the All Blacks and Springboks. This is sort of the equivalent of three on three basketball played by girls or guys, not mixed, in a watered down game that seems almost meaningless unless you are on the field sweating and bleeding. Almost no one watches this, but it is hard and brutal so it has a part in society. We'll give it mildly essential status, but just...
7. Volleyball I'm probably in trouble on this one since my granddaughter plays the sport. But it must be remembered that is is a sport for kids who can't put the ball through the hoop. It's an alternative sport. Still a lot of people play it, and it can be fun to watch unlike swimming backwards.
8, Rowing I enjoyed the book "The Boys in the Boat", so I'm giving this one a mildly essential rating. Generally this is an elitist sport but those west coasters at U. of Washington showed those Princetonian snot noses what's for back in the Depression years. Go Huskies. Long live the IWW.
9. Water Polo I'm on the fence with this sport, but I would like to give the Hungarians one more crack at those Russkies after what they did to the Hungarians in 1956.
That concludes our Mildly Essential list. Now for the dirty work.
RIDICULOUS SPORTS
1. 3 X 3 Basketball First, where are you going to find a 3 on 3 team that will pass a drug test? This is where you go to get drugs. As an alternative, I suggest that the regular basketball teams already in the O's play this as a demonstration sport. Also the Balkan players could divide up and play for their national teams if they agree to sign a non aggression pact before the 'games' begin.
2. Baseball/Softball Okay, Australia has provided a couple of major leaguers. And the Dominican Republic. Oh my God, they would kill in the O's. " Heet a beeg one Tony." I love this idea, but in July we're in the middle of baseball season. Who is going to drop out of a multimillion dollar contract to play for a medal in potentially covid hot Japan? Softball, okay because they are amateurs. But how many Ethiopians get a chance to learn the game in the Ethiopian highlands? Plus they might hit a great marathoner with a bat.
3. Table Tennis (aka Ping Pong), Badminton, and Tennis Okay, hitting an object over a net with a thing in your hand. What's the big deal? How bout we combine the three into some sort of round robin tournament. And no mixed doubles. Just to cut down on numbers. In fact this is too ridiculous to be in the Olympics and besides some badminton players were D'Q'd at the last O's for not playing hard enough. And now some highly paid tennis players would have to give up a more lucrative week on the road for an amateur tournament. And does anyone remember who won the last O's in any of those sports?
NO EFFEN WAY SPORTS
1. Equestrian Horse lovers, it's time to get serious. No way you're putting your horse on a plane and flying to Japan. It's not just you and your horse, it's your groom, your trainer, the guy shoveling you know what in the stable. And you guys showed your vulnerability to doping with the Kentucky Derby results this year. Get serious, it's not a sport it's a lifestyle. Tuaregs in West Africa are the only third world horsemen, and they'll never make it to the Games. And who is gonna test all those horses for Covid?
2. Sailing Another sport of kings. Would the next king please step up and bring his boat? Yeh, cram that in your carry on. If you must, I suggest that you might like to have your competition in the sea just off the old Fukashima reactor site.
3. Beach Handball No, No, No, No. We Yanks barely understand Team Handball played indoors. Put it on a beach and we'll be getting sand kicked in our faces. If I got free tickets I wouldn't go.
4. Artistic Swimming If they just wouldn't wear those damn nose clips I might come around to this. Sorry, just not needed to call it an Olympics.
5. Break dancing and Skateboading I throw these two in the same pot and come out with a stew that is inedible. Can you imagine these guys marching at the opening ceremony with their pants hanging around their knees?
6. Surfing Back to the shores of Fukashima guys. I would approve only if The Beach Boys created a new Olympic Theme and played it at the opening ceremonies.
7. Roller Speed Skating I didn't think anybody did rollerblading anymore. Used to be quite popular but now that generation has all purchased E Bikes. Hey, there's an idea, how 'bout some E Bike competition? Now that's progress.
Well that solves most of what ails the 2021 Tokyo Games. One last thing remains. Now that Japan has stated that athletes will not be allowed to co-mingle at the Games there will be a need to dispose of the 160,000 condoms that have been purchased for free distribution to those athletes. I am open to your suggestions.
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